By John Berger.
I stopped breathing for a while. Closed my eyes. I wanted to fully feel this feeling. Its the feeling akin to the one we get when we wash earth of our feet and nestle into our cosy bed. I could'nt help going over them again and again. Each time they made more sense, and each read-over made every doubt about it disappear. My hands and knees went slack and I experienced tranquility like never before. But then never before has the search for spirituality and peace been as desperate as it is in our times. These are desperate times. Mad hours. And I'm mad. Questions drive me insane sometimes. The answers are also questions in themselves. I furiously envy people who are religious, and who have the patience and discipline to follow an early morning cleaning and praying ritual. At least they know where to search for answers. Those days when I openly mocked God-lovers of the "Hindu-temple" variety are long gone. Now I yearn for their devoted fervour. I fancy I have my own relationship with God, but so far it had been a medley of mud-slinging, slew of complaints, maybe a pinch of 'thank you's'. Only now its dawning upon me that I'm actually one of the Blessed Ones, as I watch people's lives falling into a rubble of discontentment and disappointment around me. Pity it takes tragedy to count your blessings.
Anyway, the most bizarre thing, as I mulled over those words, was that I realized I happen to be a stark anti-thesis of whatever is being said here. I try to live a life which is a juxtaposition of rich flavours, but I am aware I'm almost humourously lackng in many ways. I'm fortunate enough to have people to love in my world, but usually I love them as convenient in my scheme of activity. They love me, yeah that for sure. In my sphere, I'm the most significant person, I could'nt care so much about the vulgarity or disparity as long as I can save myself from it. Leave alone seeking joy in it, I don't even like to be in a sad place in the first place. No, not at all. I do persue beauty, it tantalizes me, but its got to have a really good case to hold my attention-span. I, without fail, simplify what is complicated and complicate what's simple. I challenge strength and power. Believe me when I declare, trouble loves me!
Only now, as I'm getting older, I've started watching. I make an effort to understand. Only now, I've just about stopped tossing my head in the air with arrogance and looking away sullenly when I don't like the general turn of events. Only now, its dawning upon me that the object of life is sensation in its purest form and to grasp that form we require a lucid understanding of the inside and the outside. By "inside" I mean our mind, our thoughts, actions generating from these thoughts, and the consequences of these actions on the Universe. By "outside" I mean the Universe, the vast beyond, the orbits, the environment, the elements, the energies of our world, their concurrence and its result on our minds.
Only now, I understand how small and insignificant you and I are in the Grand scheme of events. we are all mere weightless dust particles floating in the air, with only our egos to provide buoyancy.